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Goodnights

I just said goodnight to Nanny;
her warmth will melt all the monsters around me.
And my brother's strength will illuminate
all throughout this apartment.

My best friend is just down the hall,
and his intentions will float through the air, so calm;
and when I pull my covers over me, lit by the night-light and the lamps outside,
I somehow feel like I'm not alone.

This Obligatory Cut-Away...

Everything is blank.
My vision is clear translucence.
Out of focus; like seeing from a far, far way away.

In a house.
I walk downstairs. The brownish,
slightly tinged red
of the wood floor.
Yellow walls.
A carpet too.

Images that have no meaning.
People walking around, childrens' voices.
Happily together?
Playing.
Are they family?
More people.
My perspective
is skewed. Mind shut down.
But familiar. Like a dream you barely remember...

Words fall out of my mouth. Again.
Dribbling down, like a dog with rabies.

Only momentarily do they look at me.

Ah... I want to go home.

The Rain is Pretty, in a Way...

Dipping into sorrow,
without warning or cause.
Downbeat raindrops,

s
l
o
w

tempo
brings me back down from the day...
I can sleep now, can rest now, but at what cost...
Almost at ease, but something
tugs inside of me...

Too tired to move, too tired and weak.
For some odd reason, tears try to push forward,
and fall
out of my eyes...

The world is whispering,
Shh, shh,
And the trees are dripping their quiet condolences...

but now is not the time for grieving,
no,
now is the time...
for this.

So I

f
a
l
l

into melancholy; gathering strength,
as a young seedling, absorbing energy

for tomorrow, so maybe
I can crawl out of bed...

and walk out of this house...


Maybe
I could tie up my hair;
an umbrella,
go on over to see your puppy, the newborn;

we could hold him together in the precious gloom,
we could smile and jest, and be together.

maybe I can be happy tomorrow...
so for now, I'll just let sadness take me...

With every promise repeated over again,
with reassurances I could not accept,
with gentle nothings that I forced upon you,
came this. The obvious.

I knew this would happen, but I clung so hard.
I pleaded and cried in a tiny voice.
I tried to hold you down with my little strength.
But your dual abandonment wore down my heart.

You're busy, you're out, you're tired, you've gone away;
you have homework, are sleeping, or are with someone else;
you leave me here to cry and clutch to my bunny rabbit.
Where have you gone? Why did you go away?

"...He left me here in this awful place..." I whisper to her, her inanimate eyes,
"...He didn't care enough to pull me out..."
"No, baby, nobody loves me anymore."
"I'll just go to sleep now, when I wake up, I'll be fine."

White-away

A clean, blank person, wiped down and waiting
to be decorated, to be scarred, to be filled with experience.

Every child has been dirtied and beaten,
plucked from their innocence and dropped
into a sea of t-r-a-s-h
flowing...
like the roots of that old tree, gnarled and worn down.
The endless game that nobody is winning
will cut away into solidity, and then into peace.

but remember...
how it once was pure; a small seed?
With paper-thin veins stretching into the soil?

Scribles in My Notebook:

A sinking feeling.
Tears
that refuse to fall.
Detached from the world.
Just wandering around,
long, long face; dark eyes, so round.

s
t
a
t
i
c

l
o
n
l
i
n
e
s
s
s
s
s

w
h
y

a
m

i

a
l
o
n
e
.

A single candle flame, a single flicker
Doused now; it's not there anymore
Nobody's home
again
n
n
n.
.
.

No other life in the room,
in the house. Tiny, tiny room gets tinier every day.
suffocating
no one's in here.
no one ever has been.
just machines to divert.
that is all, all i do.
this cage, fucking reason.
The garden is dead.
Dead. Dead. Dead.
I have no real problems.
Just a damaged head.
It's really nothing, just petty suffering.
Why
am I so
pathetic. really.
The tree branches crackle, like a final boss stage.
Purple fucking sky. Goddamn bushes.
Oh, look at me, I am loved because I curse, because I smoke, because I sniff; isn't that hardcore?
I dye my hair like trailer trash, ridiculous eyeliner like I just learned how to use it.
aeropostale shirt, giant godamn sweatpants, boyfriend's jacket, giant cheap ring.
im blank, i follow your ideas. i agree with whatever in contradicting reason.
ha ha, unquestioned faith. you're ridiculous mind, ridiculous.

You're home alone,
Or your parents are sleeping,
and your brother is out,
and you're friends can't talk now
or don't answer their phones.
Tiny breaths, tiny, shaking, and white. dusty.
everything. stuck in the past.
Falling out
for a moment,
a very, very long breath.
You can't sleep.
Clutch your head,
you pathetic wretch.
no reason to.
no reason at all.
no reason.
stop playing it up.
stop crying.
stop.
stop making excuses.
you're not worth a dime.
Write those words in blood,
carve them onto flesh, just to see them.
Wishes: IT'LL BE ALRIGHT,
and scraps of words: tired, sad, find me..., i want to go, ...allegro agitato...
Getting older.
Your body
becoming stiff, shrinking and wilting.
Alone, forgetting to blink.
Not caring.
A roaring headache that you made up.
Losing my structure.
song lyrics, because i can't write my own.
polar bears keep me warm
in the lost penguin winter.
notes, notes, notes, margin.
where does all that pointlessness lead you?
to more work. more money, but so much goddamn work.
according to a book that i read in sixth grade,
dolphin's songs last for hours,
like me, like this thing.
nothing better to do, there never is.
being redundant.
repeating myself.
constant loop.
repeat: one.
sleep: 30 mins.
all songs.
scroll.
play and close eyes.
repeat.

Fall asleep without realizing it.
dream a ludicrous dream, and wake up.
hope and mild humor get crushed by mom's yelling,
by long, droning hours
of silence.
by the time you see your friends
youve already faded out of the day.
just go home and sleep.
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